PAUL BRYAN'S JOURNAL
From the diary about this episode:
Paris - Antibes
Wednesday, August 24
Just wasn't up to talking to Kate last night, and took a nap after parting with Armand's aides at the bank. Got up around eleven, and hit a club favored by the motor racing set where Hank Rodgers was holding court at the best table. After waving me over, he suggested I fly to the race in his private plane.
Have a feeling he's heard rumors that Pete might be retiring next year, and knows it would do no harm to be friendly with the co-owner of the team.
I could never have been prepared for the way Armand looked. He'd been shattered at the funeral, but seemed to have aged a couple decades in the subsequent two weeks.
After greeting me, he only stayed in the room a short time, but asked if there were more he could do. Before leaving, he said, “Gina …. I've asked Leonard Bernstein to do me the favor of looking after her.”
The great musician having attended her debut at the Met, Armand said that it had taken little persuasion. But the message was clear, Armand no longer had strength for the task.
Kate and I were alone. She made a helpless gesture, asking if I understood now. When she insisted she couldn't leave him, I asked about the plans made for our marriage. “But that's only ….” she answered, then cut herself off, and said, “but we have to keep hoping.”
Hardly heard what she was saying most of the time, but before I left, started to realize the diabolical situation Katie's in, and with a little more understanding, and less selfishness, held her a long while in parting.
Then she took out a box. My birthday present. Inside was a rosary made of polished stones from Lourdes she'd collected herself, the gold of the crucifix mined at Santa Margarita.
While the bubbly was flowing on the flight to Nice, I remained affected by the meeting with Kate, and was grateful that Hank and pals didn't try to pull me into their mood.
When I cancelled the reservation Kate and I had for a suite, as a reward, the hotel got me a room in a quieter part of town. But the whole place is buzzing.
Thursday, August 25
Tried to concentrate myself on the new Mastin 500 and its launch at Monza, talking it up to anyone who would listen, but just can't pull myself out of these low spirits.
Hank had encouraged me to take his car out on the road, and ….I can remember it all in slow motion - my seething anger when an ordinary little sports car cut off Hank's racer at a dangerous spot of road …. Then the chase ending in the “madman” not able to hold the car at a tricky bend.
I got out to see if the driver was all right. And it was Nicole.
It feels like Niagara Falls is rushing through my brain. I can't think straight at all - just remember beautiful moments with her, the Jobim song she used to sing accompanying every memory. After twisting the thought round and round, have decided to ask her to dinner.
What might I be starting? Do I want to? I am drawn to Nicole like a magnet, but can't help remembering the cruel and capricious way she left without giving me a chance to explain that there could be a future for us.
But when I held her on the road, every fiber of me wanted her. Kate didn't even enter my head in that moment. I've spent our whole relationship wondering whether it was Armand or I who was The Other Man.
If she can't leave him now, whatever the reason, where does that put me? All I know is that I desperately want to be with Nicole.
So full of charm, I'd surely have fallen in love with Nicole if it were our first meeting. A light flirtatious love that would be, but what I was feeling this evening wasn't even a kin.
I wanted to possess her completely, but she put off every physical advance I made - even when I touched her hand in the restaurant. When I said I loved her, she just smiled happily, but made no reply.
It was like we were each reading lines from a completely different scene. Only when we said goodnight did she respond to me, then pulled away, saying “I love you” in the strangest way.
If Katie hadn't entered my head when all this started - it seems like weeks instead of hours - she is filling it now.
How can I be so completely unfaithful to her when all she's doing is staying with Armand in a time of need. What if it were the other way round, and she left him to be with me when the symptoms set in?
Kate has always insisted that I must be free to roam, free to love. But this is not the brief flirtation she had in mind, but a grand passion I can neither control nor resist.
Took out the rosary, thought about the depth and completeness of my love for Kate. I just can't start this - not with Nicole.
Went to tell her that I'm leaving in the morning, so sure of my decision, and found out she's married. It made me realize that I'd been lying to myself that I could walk away from her.
The news hit me as profoundly as the death sentence had. I can hardly believe it or come to terms with the fact.
The man is the same one I'd seen Nicole with at Rachel's party - very creepy and dilapidated. He was surly and sarcastic, and was shouting at her when I arrived at the door.
She seemed to be in distress, so I rushed in to find her lying on the bed weeping. After the husband's declaration I left, and she followed me in tears, begging me to at least stay for the race.
I can't deal with this torment, and am going to take a sleeping pill. In the morning I'll get a flight for Bangkok.
Friday, August 26
A little calmer, I decided to postpone my departure until after the race, and had just touched bases with Hank when Nicole's husband showed up at my door, announcing that he was Emile Marnet.
What had I been thinking? That Nicole would have taken up with a tramp? No, of course, it had to be one of the most eminent philosophers of our time.
But even if I'd have met him under “ordinary” circumstances, the man would have turned me off. Self-serving and pompous, he told me the marriage was unconsummated, with annulment procedures begun, but that he nevertheless wanted me to get out of town.
My resolve to leave has morphed into total determination to take Nicole away. I could easily have hit him, and was so close to it, in total disgust of his presence and the idea that she could have any sort of liason with this insect.
The volcanic anger bubbling up from deep inside me isn't going away, but now seems directed at Nicole herself. How could she marry such an off-putting person?
Hank was stunning in qualifying, and there's going to be one helll of a wing ding to celebrate his pole position.
Rang Barry Givens to find out what happened at the board meeting, and received his shocking news that Dr. Walker has quit over the change of name.
To my surprise, Barry then admitted his own opinion that Walker might have done as much to prevent finding a cure for my disease as fostered it.
Demanding intensified pursuit of a narrow line of research over a broader exploration for a cure, Barry felt that the increased donations they'd received in the past months should have enabled the latter.
However, Walker insisted on pressing on with his obsession, hiring more people to work in the same limited area. But his departure has apparently left a kind of chaos, with no director now, and the board there for their “names,” not sufficiently competent in the details of medical research.
I told Barry to call Katie, and be frank with her, then hoped for the best. Maybe the grand donations are going to have the opposite effect intended.
Before going out to spend the evening with the racing crowd, I picked up the copy of Nicole's new novel, and started to read it. My so-so French made it slow going, and I managed only half a chapter. It's set in French Polynesia after the War, and the hero appears to be a spy.
Saturday, August 27
This afternoon Hank had the horrific accident that's in the back of every driver's mind, no matter how much we deny it. I followed the ambulance to the hospital, and waited there until the word came through that he's going to be OK.
Nicole had approached me during the race, saying that she'd sent Marnet away. I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but my anger over her marriage to the man diluted all the feelings of desire, and I behaved stiffly with her.
Feeling that my mind was in a more reliable state, I rang Kate to discuss the clinic situation, tell her about the accident - and Nicole. Armand, despite the shape he's in, already had flowers sent to Hank in the hospital.
I asked Kate what she knew about Marnet, and her response wasn't surprising. She'd seen him a lot when she was living with Armand, and neither of them liked him.
Told her that he was secretly married to Nicole, and she paused, then said she understood how I must feel. When I explained that it wasn't a real marriage, Katie asked directly what that meant for Nicole and me.
I tried to lighten things, and said, “I'm only sitting around, waiting for you to come back,” and that broke the tension a bit, then Kate reminded me of our conversation at Santa Margarita, and her belief that if fate brought me again to Nicole, I must obey my feelings, no matter what that would lead to.
“Listen to what your heart is saying right now,” she urged, adding that, while we had to keep hoping for a cure, in the meantime, she didn't want any moment of happiness prevented by our attachment.
“I rejoice in every moment you live to the fullest,” she said emotionally, her voice starting to break, and I answered that it was only possible to guess at what she was going through right now. We were both silent then for a very long moment.
Kate admitted that she could see Armand diminishing by the day, and broke down completely. I asked if my coming to her would make things better or worse, and Kate replied that she didn't know the answer to anything any more, then suddenly changed the subject.
Though combined, the two of them had put more than seven million into the clinic, neither Kate nor Armand knew what was going on there, and I felt bad having sicked Barry on her with all she is already coping with.
But Katie's voice rose uncharacteristically, and she declared that any disarray had to be brought to order as quickly as possible, and Armand would have specialists to get things right.
I said how sorry I was not to be able to hold her in my arms in this moment, and Kate replied very softly, “me too,” then ended the call almost pleading that I give myself a chance with Nicole.
I promised to come to Paris after seeing Dr. Lamas, and hung up, loving her more than ever. To try and clear my mind from her sorrows, the disruption at the clinic and Hank's accident, I rang Nicole, and am going to meet her for dinner.
Sunday, August 28
To be able to celebrate my 36th birthday was extraordinary enough, but to spend it with Nicole by my side was more than I could have dreamed possible when we said goodbye last October.
We went to see Hank in the hospital, and he was in surprisingly good spirits, looking forward to getting back on the track, indicating that he loved motor racing so much, he'd only be half alive without it, then said, “if you need something, it's worth facing any risk involved.”
Individually and collectively, Nicole and I immediately seized on his words, later on the beach comparing Hank to Marnet as philosophers, and being sure which one's thinking we want to follow.
Whatever the risk, I have to have her. To know that she feels the same is completion. I think I'd follow Nicole to the end of the earth, and can't comprehend now, how I could have considered leaving.
She gave me a bottle of vintage champagne for my birthday, and we're going to drink it when we arrive in Barcelona. I am filled with the joy of a five-year-old on Christmas morning. Meanwhile I wait with growing impatience for Nicole to finish packing.
Monday, August 29
Our favorite spot on the beach was there, as if it had been waiting for us. We talked, swam, loved, and were just glorying in being together when Nicole asked about “the woman you were with when I saw you at Rachel Pike's.”
While it sounded like she was making casual conversation, I wasn't sure, and hoped I sounded off-handed, responding that Kate was one of the investors in Pete's racing team.
“That was announced by Mrs. Pike,” Nicole replied, obviously wanting to know our relationship. “And I was her escort for the evening,” I said, kissing her and trying to change the subject.
But Nicole slid from my embrace, insistent on pursuing the topic, asking me if I knew who she was. “Kate Pierce,” I answered, and Nicole began tickling me, saying that wasn't what she meant.
I tried to look innocent, and seemed to have convinced her of my lack of knowledge, and she began a tale of my fiancée that was riddled with information I never knew.
Nicole romanticized Kate's years in Paris as if she were a movie star, and implied that she had a similar status, claiming that Kate and Armand were seldom out of the columns or illustrated magazines. The whole country apparently followed their relationship and everything they did.
I tried to appear patiently indulgent, bordering on bored with all she was saying, kissing her back while she was talking, so she couldn't see my face.
Tuesday, August 30
Waiting here in Dr. Lamas' office, I feel like I'm still on the beach with Nicole - wrapped up in one another, it was only last night when we started talking about her new novel.
I'd taken it out, and she saw that the bookmark was on page 20, then began to read it aloud to me. We went through three chapters, and she read more this morning, always explaining what I didn't understand.
The spy has fallen in love with a painter, but has left her to go on a mission in Indochina. It's full of their thoughts about one another, and very moving - especially when read out by Nicole.
When she put the book down at lunchtime, I praised her writing warmly, and she said, “can't you see that it's about us?” I was taken aback. Even though I indeed had been thinking about us as she read, it never occurred to me.
Dr. Lamas greeted me pleasantly, saying that he had the results of all my tests for the past 15 months, and had been following my case with interest.
Told him that I'd been trying to learn everything possible about the disease and all the research, particularly his own area of study, the effect of corollary illnesses, but he showed virtually no notice of my interest, clearly not willing to share anything in a collegial way.
The visit had been a waste, but being here with Nicole, where our love began, has filled me with life.
Rang Barry as I promised, and he said that a team had arrived in Burlingame yesterday, composed of leaders in medical research from Paris, London and New York.
Representing the Odette de Martignac Foundation, they offered help in getting the Garms Clinic back in order and making ultimate use of the new funds.
These consultants were meeting with the directors today, and Barry said the plan was to appoint him interim head, then told me that I was to be given a seat on the new board, and as such, might I approach Dr. Lamas about joining the new research foundation himself, in whatever way he was willing.
Went back to see Dr. Lamas, but his secretary said that he didn't have time to see me again. I explained about The Foundation, and was escorted in as soon as his patient left.
When I offered him what was surely an astronomical salary, he just blinked, obviously thinking the patient in front of him was suffering some advanced mental symptoms of the disease.
I said the Foundation would be contacting him by mail, but I was approaching him personally because we wanted him so much. Dr. Lamas became even more sceptical, especially when I claimed to be on the board.
So I explained that things were up in the air over the departure of Dr. Walker, and that he could contact the clinic directly if he were in doubt, hoping I showed enough knowledge to convince him.
He admitted that it was something that would interest him, if true, apparently having offered to work with Garms several times, sharing his findings and theories, only to have Dr. Walker turn him down.
When I got back, Nicole read more of the book, and I became thoroughly absorbed. The spy returns to his love, and knowing now that she was writing about us, I found everything in it especially intense and erotic.
It had become almost a Scheherazade situation. I didn't want her to stop, and she read on after dinner, but closed the book at eleven, saying that she wanted to read the end tomorrow.
San Patrazio - Paris
Wednesday - Thursday, August 31 - September 1
Nicole finished reading her novel in the morning, a tragic conclusion in which the spy decides to give up espionage and marry the artist.
She tells him that she's dying of an incurable disease, then leaves the spy because she cannot bear to live with the look of despair that greeted her revelation.
So touchingly told, I know that one would not have to be a part of the novel to be deeply moved, not just by the story, but Nicole's incredible skill in telling it.
But I also had to wonder how Marnet had not seen through it, and not realized how the new book exposed the truth about my relationship with Nicole that he couldn't seem to perceive.
In the afternoon we went to a street market, and when I bought her a little bird in a cage that she absolutely had to have, Nicole let it loose immediately, and I wondered how long it could survive.
Her action disturbed me, as did the amused expression on her face. But it was an isolated moment in an exquisite time.
We were just deciding what to do with our day after breakfast when a telegram from Nicole's mother arrived stating that Marnet had disappeared, having not been seen for three days.
There seemed nothing for it but to fly to Paris and contact his close friend Georges Corot. The publisher offered Nicole a tip he hadn't supplied to police about a building where Marnet lived as a child, and we found him there in a stupor.
And here I am again. A woman who possesses my heart feeling bound to a man who needs her - while the days of my own life disappear like fine sand through an hour glass.
I left Nicole at the hospital, standing by Marnet's bedside, transfixed, saying that she would stay with him until he came round. Returned to my apartment to think. I have to see Kate, and talk with her.
Friday, September 2
Perhaps I'd just gotten used to his deteriorated state, but Armand seemed in better spirits today, and spoke of his determination to immortalize Odette via a wide-ranging series of projects from buildings through charity and fellowships to every possible aspect of the arts.
“But we must tackle this first,” he said intensely, his pressed together fingers gesturing towards me, “and I want you to be my representative on the board.”
Answering that I wasn't sure I'd live long enough to do much, he responded, “NO, we'll make it happen!” It was the first time the three of us had been alone together for more than a moment, and I had dreaded such a meeting.
Journal continued in next column
Hank Rodgers takes Paul out in his race car
Paul's racing car is overtaken
Nicole catches Paul approaching
Nicole alights from the car in a detached manner
Paul is dazed as Nicole embraces him
Paul says they should stop running away from one another
Nicole gives Paul a copy of her new book
Paul introduces Hank to Nicole
Paul thinks about what Nicole said about leaving him
Nicole sobs on the bed
Nicole pleads with Paul to wait
Paul has made up his mind to leave
Paul admits Nicole's husband into his room
"She's your wife," Paul says
Marnet advises Paul to listen to him
Paul listens with barely supressed loathing
Marnet declares that he cherishes Nicole
Marnet believes the woman in Nicole loves him
Marnet says something in Paul hurt Nicole
Paul is enraged at Marnet's request
Nicole tells Paul she's asked Emil to leave
Hank shows Nicole that he's reading her book
Hank says nothing would stop him racing cars
Paul offers to bring Hank some drink
Paul and Nicole laugh with joy
Declaring his love, Paul whirls Nicole around
They share a renewal of their happiness in Spain
Marnet's friend gives them a tip to his whereabouts
Nicole is in tears when she sees Paul
They kiss goodbye
"I couldn't live with it"
But these feelings were banished in the first minute. Whatever the secret, this is a man who somehow instills confidence in the person he is with, something that not only makes Armand feel approachable, but an intimate friend. Charm, yes, but ever so subtle.
If I'd always thought of him as my rival, he banished any barriers between us, and far from being the uncomfortable occasion I'd expected, much as I might have wished to talk privately with Kate, I equally wanted this time with the three of us not to end.
We spoke about Emile Marnet whom Armand had known since they were in the Resistance.
While making no specific statement against him, Armand seemed disturbed by the fact of Nicole's marriage to Marnet, wondering if she was intentionally styling herself after Francoise Sagan in a personal as well as literary sense.
I hung on everything he said about her. They'd not met, but he'd read Sadness, and said that its depth was not in the over-romanticized story, but the dialogue.
He commented on the impulsive nature of the heroine, and I was fascinated about how much of Nicole he had gleaned from the little book.
“And now she's written about you,” Armand said to my shock. He hadn't looked at the new novel himself, but Kate had read the copy that Corot had sent over.
It was as if they had witnessed every moment of my time with Nicole, and I felt embarrassed, but Kate just said, “now you know why I couldn't bear deterring you from being with her again.”
We stayed out in the garden until all light had disappeared from the sky, interrupted through the day only over the most critical matters.
Journal continued in next column
Paul has arrived in France to watch a motor race on the Mediterranean. His friend Hank Rodgers is expected to win, and takes him out for a spin in the car, then tempts Paul to drive it on his own, saying that he knows that Paul isn't motivated by a death wish, prone to risking his life for fun and profit like everyone else Hank knows. He adds that he believes that Paul cares very much about waking up the next day in one piece, so trusts him with the race car.
Still against the mechanic's advice, Paul takes the machine out and is soon plagued by a driver behind him, sounding their horn in an effort to overtake the racing car, and eventually, virtually running Paul off the road, and flying away. Livid, he takes after the vehicle at the high speeds of which the race car is capable, and finally tracks down the other fast vehicle. As they reach the cliffs over the sea the other driver, attempting to stay ahead, mismanages a tricky bend, and loses control of the car, ending up in some bushes by the side of the road.
His anger not quite spent, Paul jumps out of his car to lend assistance, but just as eager, if the other person is all right, to deliver a piece of his mind for the dangerous driving exhibited.
His brisk step slows down when he sees a woman sitting at the wheel, and he calls out, “are you all right?”
She has obviously seen him walking up in her rear-view mirror and then recognized his voice, so it is with some composure that she turns to him and says hello.
“Nicole!” he says, dumbfounded to see the face of the woman he'd asked to marry him, and she responds with pain, “I never thought I'd see you again.”
“You know I could never resist a race,” he answers, lightening the moment.
Ostensibly speaking of the driving incident, Nicole says that she should probably apologize, but says that she's not sorry, and Paul replies that he isn't either.
He opens her door, and Nicole gets out, then pauses as they regard one another almost as if the only history they have is the episode on the road, then she walks over to Paul's car.
He retrieves the suitcases out of her vehicle, and takes a few paces towards Nicole who remains standing, watching him.
Then she runs into his arms, and buries herself in his embrace, telling Paul how much she missed him. His expression is a mixture of pain and bewilderment. She turns away before he attempts to kiss her, but he really looks too dazed to have even thought of it.
He drives Nicole to her hotel, and she asks him obliquely about his situation, referring to the decision “they” made to part, and Paul's reply indicates that his prognosis is unchanged, “but maybe we don't have to run away from each other any more,” he adds. Before getting quickly out of the car, she indicates agreement.
In his room Paul opens his window and drapes, while Nicole does the opposite in hers. Moments in their love affair run through his mind, and hers as well, and her reverie is broken by the phone ringing, Paul at the other end, asking her to dinner.
After their drinks are served in the restaurant, Nicole places a package in front of Paul. Inside is a pre-publication copy of her new novel, “Le Mot Serait Adieu” (“The Word Would Be Goodbye”), a phrase she had used when they parted in Spain the previous year. Paul toasts the success of her new book.
Hank, who is with a woman at the bar, sees Paul, and goes over to say hello.
He is introduced to Nicole, and recognizes her name, but mistakes the title of her earlier novel to be The Happiness of a Sad Time instead of the Sadness of a Happy Time, saying he thought it was about people being only happy when times are sad.
“That only proves that you haven't read it,” she replies teasingly.
Hank asks Nicole if she is in town for the motor race, and he says he'll have to win for her. Paul invites Hank to join them, but he indicates his companion at the bar
When Paul and Nicole arrive at the door to her hotel, she kisses him, but quickly slips inside after declaring her love.
As Paul walks away, a man emerges from the shadows, and goes into Nicole's hotel.
After their declaration that afternoon, Paul had expected to be with Nicole this night, and when he returns to his room, he takes out her new book, looking at the title as his mind floods with all the things she said about why she couldn't stay with him, and how he would see his fate in her eyes each time he looked at her, and never be able to forget.
He jumps up from the sofa, grabs his jacket, and races over to Nicole's hotel.
Voices are coming from her room, causing him to step back before knocking.
A man is speaking accusingly in French, and Nicole can be heard sobbing. He is telling her that she is foolish, and acting as if her life was a novel she was writing.
Then, apologetically, he attempts to embrace her, but is put off.
Paul walks away, but then there is a sudden crash in the room, and he turns back and bursts in the door.
“Marvelous. Enter the hero,” declares the man sarcastically. Paul first asks if Nicole is all right, and the man says, “you think that she is hurt? No. I am hurt …. And possibly you are hurt. But she, she's only crying.”
Paul walks over to Nicole and asks, “who is he?” She only sobs, but the man says, “I'm her husband.”
At that Paul turns and leaves. Nicole gets up and runs out into the hall after him, calling, “Paul, please!” He stops, and she says that she was going to tell him.
But he replies tersely, “what we said this afternoon, we were kidding ourselves. I came here to tell you that. I'm leaving in the morning.”
He turns to go then, but she stops him, and says, “oh no, don't go …. not until we talk. You came here to see a race. Stay at least until then. Please.”
Paul doesn't reply, but turns and leaves. Nicole returns to the room, regarding her husband from the doorway.
In the morning Paul calls Hank to say that he'll now be leaving right after the race, so the driver suggests he drop by the garage for a while.
As he hangs up from the call there is a knock on Paul's hotel door, and the visitor is Nicole's husband. He says that he must talk to Paul, then asks, “do you know who I am?” Paul replies that he's Nicole's husband, but the man says, “besides that?”
When Paul says no, his visitor identifies himself as Emile Marnet, and Paul indicates that in any other circumstances, he'd be honored.
Marnet apologizes about the previous night, and asks to sit down, then says that the purpose of his visit is to explain the nature of his relationship with Nicole.
“She's your wife,” states Paul sourly, as if to say that there is nothing more to explain.
Marnet says that he and Nicole were married for three days, but decided to keep it a secret, then adds, “what we didn't know was that it was a secret even to us,” and that it was never consummated and a marriage only in the official sense, now being annulled.
“You want something from me,” responds Paul hostilely. “Tell me what it is.”
Marnet replies that what he has to say is difficult enough without having to deal with Paul's impatience. Pointing his finger at Paul, he adds, “what I have to say is important for you to understand.”
He tells Paul that throughout the world he is known for his writings, but in France, he has the misfortune of being regarded as an ambulatory national monument - not for his ideas, but the work he did in the Underground during World War II - and that people have difficulty thinking of him as flesh and blood, Nicole included. Throughout this speech Paul is looking darkly at his visitor.
Marnet asks Paul if he is familiar with his writing, and when Paul answers affirmatively, Marnet says that he must be aware of his belief that when one is able to identify with some cherished value, then one must live for that value and nothing else.
“And I cherish Nicole,” he declares passionately.
“So do I!” interjects Paul.
“But in a different way,” insists Marnet.
“Which brings me to my first question,” replies Paul, “what do you want from me?”
“I want Nicole,” Marnet answers, “I love her. More than my own life …. And I think she loves me.” He says his uncertainty is because Nicole, though in so many ways a woman, is also in many ways a child.
“The woman in her loved me, and …. I think, still does,” he adds with consternation, then says that he's come to Paul to ask him to leave.
“I think you'd better leave,” responds Paul with barely suppressed anger.
“Please hear me out!” insists Marnet
But Paul rises, saying, “I've heard you.”
“Not the most important part, you haven't - why you should leave.”
Marnet says that he knows that Paul and Nicole were in love before he met her, and that their romance ended as abruptly as it began.
He says that Paul hurt her deeply.
Marnet says that he doesn't know what happened or why, but he feels sure that the cause of the breakup was because of something in Paul.
Turning away, Paul acknowledges that Marnet is right, and the something that caused Nicole to part from him was in himself, and nothing has changed. Paul says he is therefore leaving right after the motor race.
“But it has nothing to do with you,” declares Paul antagonistically, “as a matter of fact, if I had a choice, I'd stay because of what you just said.”
Marnet says that he doesn't understand, and Paul retorts, “you're a fraud! You're not interested in protecting Nicole. You're interested in protecting Emile Marnet.”
On that line Paul's visitor departs.
At the race Nicole comes and sits next to Paul. She thanks him for staying, and apologizes for embarrassing him with the problems of herself and Emile.
“Less embarrassed than angry,” Paul replies, asking her, in a very neutral and ambivalent tone, to give Emile his apologies, Paul's attention remaining on the race. Nicole says that she won't be seeing Emile, and that he has left for Paris. These remarks draw Paul's interest, and he says that he doesn't understand, having informed Emile that he was leaving the city.
She says it's because she asked him to, and told him that she wouldn't change her mind, and there was no reason to stay.
They don't speak again, and Paul concentrates on the race which suddenly takes a terrible turn when Hank's car loses a wheel and crashes. He's just managed to stagger from the vehicle when it explodes in fire.
Paul and Nicole go to visit the badly injured driver in the hospital, but he is in good spirits, and reading “The Sadness of a Happy Time.”
He compliments Nicole lavishly, and she says that she might send him others, but he says they won't be as good if they don't have her picture on the back cover.
Paul discovers that Hank hopes to be back on the race track in a couple months, but says he thought that the driver might have considered giving up the sport. However, Hank says that he'd rather die first, and that risking his life is part of the game.
“If you need something, you'd be only half alive without it. It really doesn't matter what the risks are,” he philosophizes. Paul and Nicole exchange serious glances, causing Hank to lament that he's depressed them when they came to cheer him up.
Paul changes the subject and declares that he'll watch Hank's next race if the driver promises to win it, adding that they didn't come just to talk to him, but would like to know what they could bring him. Hank makes a joke about getting him a bottle of local wine, but when they turn to go, he points out that a small bottle will require only one of them to carry it, and Nicole can stay and keep him company while Paul fetches the secret package.
Later Nicole and Paul go to the beach together, and as he thinks about Hank's comment about living with risk, Paul bursts out laughing, saying that he thought he'd asked all the questions about life and death, and believed he'd found the answer.
But then he discovered that he hadn't at all, and it took a race driver to find it for him. Paul laughs that Hank turned out to be the greatest thinker and philosopher when he said, “if you want something badly enough - you're only half alive without it - it really doesn't matter what the risks are.”
Nicole tells him that, if he is willing to accept the risk, she is too.
They both jump up and embrace. “Oh, I love you,” he declares intensely, and after kissing her, Paul picks Nicole up in his arms, and whirls her around and around, shouting out “I love you, I love you, I love you” over and over, obviously as happy as in love.
Nicole rings Emile at the home of his friend Charles Pradier. What she tells him leaves the writer shaken and weak.
Paul and Nicole depart France for Spain, and return to the pension where they stayed together the previous year in a Catalonian beach town
On the terrace in front of their rooms, she remarks with joy how nothing has changed.
They walk through a market, and Nicole's eye catches a bird. The seller brings it down for her and Paul purchases it. Nicole watches the bird in the cage, then takes it out in her hand and releases it.
They are happy and in love.
The couple are only a short time in Spain when news arrives for Nicole that Emile Marnet has gone missing, most likely as a result of her phone call. Paul and Nicole travel to Paris, and visit Marnet's publisher and best friend, Georges Corot, who is aware of the marriage and annulment. He says that he's already told the police everything he knows, but prodded by Paul's implication that Marnet's life is at stake, Geneste reveals awareness that his friend's childhood home in Paris remains vacant, and having checked into the matter, came to the conclusion that Marnet still owned it.
With that tip Paul and Nicole race to the address given by Geneste, and find Marnet near death from a possible combination of alcohol and sleeping tablets, his wedding ring clutched tightly in his hand.
The brief time Paul and Nicole have had together is over, and he is at the airport, checking in for a flight to Rome when he hears Nicole call him. He hurries to her
“I know that I shouldn't have come,” she says, and then breaks down, repeating her words.
He looks into her eyes kindly. She then throws her arms around him desperately, and they kiss.
“Nicole,” he murmurs softly, “Nicole, come with me.”
She pulls away, and he implores again gently, “come with me now.”
“I can't,” she sobs, and explains that Marnet would try and kill himself again if she left him. “He told me he would,” she says, “and that no one would be able to prevent it.”
Paul looks at her gravely, almost incredulously.
“And I couldn't live with it,” she says tearfully, then asks, “could you, Paul?”
The last call is made for his flight. Distracted for a moment, he turns back to her, and she asks again helplessly, “could you?”
She embraces him again, and he puts his hand to her head, and holds her close and lovingly, then turns and walks towards the gate without looking back.
I observed how quickly Armand was able to make important decisions, and the gentle way he gave instructions. Nothing like the many high-powered people I'd known, constantly emphasizing their importance.
After going back inside, Armand insisted that I stay the night, then excused himself, indicating that he knew Katie and I would want to talk.
He said that he wouldn't see me in the morning, then shook my hand, and said “adieu.” Instead of au revoir, it sounded so final, and I felt painfully aware of my mortality. And perhaps his.
Along with the occasion in the Bahamas, this evening was the most soul searching time Kate and I ever had.
Paris - Monza
Saturday, September 3
Kate and I met early for a small breakfast, and she walked me to the garage. I'd expected one of the drivers was going to take me back to the apartment, but Kate said that Armand thought I'd like to drive to the airport myself.
As if timed to our footsteps coming around the corner, there emerging from the archway was the Daimler 500 which Armand had bought from Sir Harry.
Kate wanted to say goodbye at the apartment, and we wished each other Godspeed there, and I went down to the street alone, taking the wheel of the car beside the chauffeur who would drive it back.
Was just about to board the flight to Milan when …. there she was like a vision.
I almost ran to Nicole, thrilled that she was coming with me after all. But she had only come to say goodbye. Forever, it would seem, as Marnet has threatened to kill himself if she ever leaves.
My poor weak darling. From the zenith of believing we'd be together, I am enveloped by the darkness of knowing that she is beyond reach. Is this total sense of pain - not only the body but the soul as well - what it will be like at the end?